Who Asked You Anyway?

Sometimes I scratch my head when thinking about the words that spill out of people's mouths. Everyone knows someone or has known someone who loves to speak impulsively and almost forces their views and beliefs on you. They feel kind and good about themselves for sharing....the only problem is that they have just made you feel like complete garbage and .....oh yeah.....you didn't ask for their opinion.  You're left thinking, it's one thing to state your opinion but when you try to force it and end up making people want to crawl into a hole after sharing their thoughts, you've gone from a helpful Dear Abby type person to an army sniper type person who has just fired a sneak attack on the validity of your opinion. In my experience, when a woman is pregnant, many of those snipers come out of hiding. It's like your baby bump is attracting them from all different directions. It's like they're all part of a secret society.....The Pregnancy Snipers Society......."Incoming....woman with a baby bump! Time to attack! Get ready to force all of your opinions on what she should be doing on her!". All of these people think that they have the be all end all advice on how you should be feeling, what you should be doing,what you shouldn't be doing, what you should be eating, what you should and shouldn't be taking etc etc. I'm in no way trying to take away the fact that they had first hand experience being pregnant and that maybe some of their advice could be valuable and helpful, after all some of the advice I received from other woman was helpful because their stories were mirror images of what I was going through at the time. Who made them pregnancy experts though?! Look, you definitely can't take whatever you want when you've got a bun in the oven and you definitely shouldn't go sky diving! There really are some things that you really can't do and shouldn't do. One thing is for sure though......much of that old school advice that is now viewed as completely unsound is actually still being shoved down the throats of fragile minded pregnant women! Sometimes I felt like what people were really trying to say was...."Just hide in a hole for nine months doing absolutely nothing. Don't even breathe the air. It will hurt the baby. You'll be safest in the hole. Don't worry, every now and again your husband can bring you food. All garbage food by the way because you're eating for two now!"(untrue fact. You shouldn't eat for two, you should eat more but literally eating for two can cause ludicrous weight gain with a chance of gestational diabetes! It's in the pregnancy books!). I remember someone telling me, "Oh, you're still working out?! You need to stop immediately!". A personal trainer actually told my friend not to do shoulder presses with 5 lb weights because the cord could get wrapped around the baby's neck. Are you kidding me? That is old and untrue information and a complete myth. Get your information straight! You've never been pregnant anyway! This was hilarious to me! I can't even count the amount of books and articles I've read that stated the numerous benefits of exercise and pregnancy! One article even stated that children of mothers who exercised during pregnancy slept through the night sooner, were happier, calmer and were able to self soothe more easily! How's that for the positive effects of exercise during pregnancy. I can easily say that all of these facts proved to be true for me. My son is good at all of these things and has been for a while. I even noticed that he loves most of the music that I listened to while I was pregnant and exercising. Truly amazing! Some of the other ridiculous pieces of advice included, Don't go out in the sun this summer, you will fry your baby! Really? Then how come all those other pregnant women were walking on the beach? What about all the celebrities I see on magazine covers on getaways with their families? Is there going to be an epidemic of fried babies this summer because there sure are a lot of pregnant women enjoying the outdoors!(Yup. The hole must be best.) Now, I know about the whole cold cut thing but I really don't think having one cold cut sandwich was going to make or break me. The hovering, judging eyes didn't agree. How dare I enjoy a quarter of a cold cut sandwich once during my entire pregnancy! "You know, you have to watch for listeria.". "Yup. I know. That happens when meat is under cooked or improperly prepared. I've read all about it."(I'm reading the pregnancy books, thanks, but apparently you're a walking encyclopedia for pregnancy, so why should I bother? What's my co pay?). Someone even questioned what face cream I was using. It's not like I was eating it. Then there were the people who loved being pregnant and thought you were the most horrible person for not enjoying the experience. I thought, "What is there to love about being sick and throwing up all the time?". You see, people forget that everyone has a different experience. There's no reason to have preconceived notions about what kind of a mother one will be if they hated pregnancy.It didn't have any effect on how I feel about my son. I love him to the depths of my soul! I felt like I was faced with this judgement a lot because I really disliked being pregnant. I was one of the few who had not just morning sickness, but all day sickness. I was a teacher, so everyday at around 11:35, the smells of the food cooking in the lunchroom would ooze its way through the vents. I remember constructing a makeshift bed using pillows from the library area and laying down during my lunch period to try to ease the constant nausea. I could smell everything!.....right down to the air freshener that my tenants were spraying. Because of my new sense of smell, I was able to figure out when one of my tenants was enjoying a cigarette even though  no smoking was allowed. They were shocked when my husband and I called them out on it. I couldn't help it if I now had an unwanted superpower of sense of smell...."It's a bird! It's a plane!......It's Super Pregger!.....and she has a sense of smell that could easily qualify her to fill in for a police canine if for some reason they all had to take a sick day! This new sense of smell made me even more nauseous and I wasn't holding much down. My doctor prescribed me something to take only if I really felt so nauseous and couldn't stop throwing up. I remember the people around me making me feel really bad about it. Comments ranged from, Oh, I would NEVER! Or I've never heard of that? Have you? Or the best one OH MY GOD! who is your doctor? (as if I had chosen the wrong one or had an inability to choose someone suited to monitor my pregnancy). Oh wow, I didn't know you were a doctor. Did these people not realize that the comments that they were dishing out actually made me feel like an incompetent mother already? Being pregnant for the first time was scary enough! I was always thinking about what kind of mother I'd be and I had set the bar pretty high too because I had already encountered so many parents that I did not want to be like as well as children that I did not want my child to turn out like. Just thinking about it made me anxious. I was also scared of the unknown. I could now come and go as I pleased without having to find a babysitter. I could take a nap when I wanted. My house was always neat. What will my life become? People's negative and positive advice and first hand accounts swirled around in my mind like a tornado. I made a promise to myself to never make someone feel negative about their decisions while they were pregnant (unless they were going to tell me that they were getting trashed or doing drugs. Then, I'd have to speak up). Being pregnant is a lot like being a new mother. You're doing what works for you and what is good for you and your baby. That motherly instinct kicks in when you're pregnant. I believe that that is the time when your mothering skills actually begin to unfold. Would you appreciate it if somebody was telling you that they don't like the way you change your baby's diaper or brush his/her hair? No! You definitely wouldn't! So why would you appreciate someone attacking or challenging the advice and care of your doctor or telling you that you're not doing a good enough job of caring for yourself or that you're horrible if you hate being pregnant? Here's what I've learned. Think about the advice you're giving. Do you absolutely, positively know that your view is the right one? If not, just don't say anything because what worked for you or what was right for you may not actually be good advice for someone else. Think about how vulnerable you felt when and if you were ever pregnant at all. If you offer advice make sure it's positive and happy unbiased advice or a first hand experience with how you dealt with things, not a sniper sneak attack on a future new mom that is about to enter a new and unknown chapter of her life. Give advice on what worked for you but don't knock what someones doctor has said unless you're a health care professional yourself and you have the credentials to challenge his/her advice!